Ten Ways To Better Punish Alabama in the Future

by KevinHog on Jun 12, 2009 10:27 AM CDT in Football Comment 21 comments

What I think the NCAA is lacking in, among other things, is imagination. I think it is a safe bet that Alabama someday in the future is going to be caught again in some type of football scandal like the recent textbook case or something much worse. What the NCAA needs is a pool of ideas about how to better go about punishing Alabama. How to hit them where it really hurts. Vacating wins? Pssh, who cares? is what they are saying in Tuscaloosa. They know they won those games. To help the NCAA out, I have a few ideas of my own.

1.) The NCAA hereby mandates that the University of Alabama for two years will not be allowed to sell any houndstooth clothing merchandise. Nor will any fan be allowed in the stadium wearing such clothing.

2.) The NCAA hereby mandates that the University of Alabama has to close the Paul Bear Bryant Museum for one year except for the hours of 8 to 12 PM on Sunday mornings. (Thus forcing the Tiders to choose between their gods. They are bound to feel guilty no matter which place they choose on Sunday.)

3.) The NCAA hereby mandates that the University of Alabama has to replay scenes on its scoreboard of Auburn's greatest victories during each home half-time for a period not to exceed four years.

4.) The NCAA hereby mandates that the University of Alabama has to rename one campus building "Phil Fulmer Hall" for the period of the rest of Phillip Fulmer's natural life. The building in question will be determined by Mr. Fulmer.

5.) The NCAA hereby mandates that the University of Alabama must remove the mascot of an elephant from its buildings, signs, and clothing and replace it with a mouse for the period not to exceed three years.

6.) The NCAA hereby mandates that the University of Alabama institute a course called "Get a Life Outside of Football 101" and have all of its boosters complete it before being allowed to take any future donations.

7.) The NCAA hereby mandates that the University of Alabama is relegated to the Papajohns.com bowl for the next five years regardless of how many wins over .500 they might have. They also must spot the opposing team a three touchdown lead.

8.) The NCAA hereby mandates that the University of Alabama must supply Auburn University with all the toilet paper it needs for the next ten years at Toomer's Corner.

9.) The NCAA hereby mandates that the University of Alabama must endow a chair in the music department named after Neil Young.

10.) The NCAA hereby mandates that the University of Alabama must re-instate Mike Shula as head coach until said coach wins the SEC Championship. Nick Saban will be allowed to coach the gymnastics, swimming, or girls softball teams without any adjustment in salary.

If you have any punishment scenarios of your own, please submit them in the comment section. Who knows, maybe we can write the textbook on how to humble a football program.

0 recs | Comment 21 comments

Story-email Email Printer Print

Comments

The NCAA must mandate that “The ole Cowboy” must be the color commentator for Alabama athletics games on their radio network for a period of not less than 4 years.

by russ on Jun 12, 2009 3:20 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs

The NCAA hereby mandates that Alabama remove the players jersey number from the side of its helmets and replace it with the number of free textbooks that player received during that current semester.

by Dann on Jun 12, 2009 5:08 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs

You razonbacks are the same.lol Well hope it’s 49-14 again this year. I smell bacon!!!!!!!

by Jake Roll Damn Tide on Jun 12, 2009 6:52 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs

49-14

by Bamadrill on Jun 13, 2009 8:41 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs

You need to get a life the way ya’ll treated the Nuttster should get kicked back to the southwest conf.

by Bama 4 Life on Jun 13, 2009 9:16 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs

The NCAA hereby mandates that Nick $aban refrain from using any hair dye to mask his true hair color for the duration of his coaching career at the Univasetee of Yellowbammer.

Further more, $aban must smile and answer all questions truthfully during press conferences. Should his hands ever touch his armpits, that constitutes grounds for immediate suspension of ‘bump’ privileges with future employees (AKA players).

by Hogster on Jun 13, 2009 10:11 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs

LOL, thats pretty ingenious. I can tell that you, like 99.9% of the awbrin nation have waaaaaaay too much time on your hands.

May as well mandate that Bama has to play with one hand tied behind their back. Hmm, wait, that would make the playing field close to level, wait, may as well tie up a foot as well. LOL Now that would be a level playing field for those haters who don’t have enough confidence in their own program(s).

by TheGizmo on Jun 13, 2009 12:33 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs

Pretty strong words coming from a team that lost to Lousiania Monroe 2 just years ago get a couple more seasons under your belt before you think your high and mighty

ALABAMA leading the NCAA with infractions since 1994

by auskip07 on Jun 24, 2009 1:48 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs

Funny stuff. I guess Bama could build an outhouse to qualify for #4.

by MIke on Jun 13, 2009 3:30 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs

Get over yourself Bama fans!

Your arrogance seeps from your body like the horrible smell that comes from your seedy football program.

by dave on Jun 13, 2009 6:31 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs

As a Bama grad and fan, I think this is rather well thought out and pretty funny. I couldn’t tell you much about ARK’s program or University other than I know Frank B. and Bobby P. have coached there. Oh, and that McFadden dude was a monster.

Good job from my perspective. See ya soon. (drink heavily beforehand)

by Tommy T. on Jun 14, 2009 2:14 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs

Once you’ve read the article (yes, it’s reasonably funny), here are my responses to some of the proposed penalties. Regarding:

#2: We’ll just hold Sunday Services in the Museum

#3: We’re watching the majorettes at halftime. If we’re forced to show Barn clips on the tron, so be it.

#4: The key to this penalty not being very harsh is the condition referred to as “for the period of the rest of Phillip Fulmer’s natural life”. Between donuts and mad Bama fans, this may be a very short building naming period.

#6: wouldn’t be a bad idea to implement even if it’s not mandated

#7: with some of the poor and/or biased refereeing at recent Bama games, I think we have to spot some teams at least two touchdowns already. Increasing that to three, with Saban coaching, still suggests we’ll win, and the Barners would be giddy with this type of sanctioning so they could at least say “Yes, we got crushed, but we put up 21 points on those guys…”.

#8: If Chizik’s prior record as head coach is any indicator, this penalty would not cost us much (don’t they only roll the corner after victories?).

#9: Ok. We’ll conveniently misunderstand what an “endowed chair” is, and instead, buy a real chair. Then we’ll tie Neil Young to it and play Sweet Home Alabama at a high enough decibel level to make the old man’s ears bleed. Now that’s what I call a music department strategy.

#10: if we were forced to do this one, well, even Mike Shula could win a national championship with the quality recruits that Coach Saban pulls in, especially since Saban would merely be puppeting Mr. Shula from the sidelines anyway. Oh, and by the way, this penalty also suggests that Bama will become national champs in gymnastics, swimming, and girls softball (no slight to Sara Patterson who is an amazing coach of our gymnastics team and already a proven national champion!).

You wanna really punish us? Force us to pretend we respect “Hello Kiffin”.

by bill_will on Jun 14, 2009 10:25 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs

How about this. The university of Alabama will not be given credit for numerous national championships…….Oh wait…..

by Travis on Jun 14, 2009 3:37 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs

If you can read this without clenching a fist, you’re a better man than I.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/06/11/AR2009061103332.html?hpid=topnews

by The Hog Blogger on Jun 14, 2009 4:15 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs

Kudos to Bill_Will for his well-thought response. This is the most “external” (i.e., not from Razorback fans) posts that I’ve ever seen on this site. Some ‘Bama fans get awfully defensive about what’s clearly a joke.

by Expat in Illinois on Jun 14, 2009 7:13 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs

You sure do talk about the University of Alabama alot. It’s funny though because no one talks about Arkansas. I just remember Arkansas’s defense giving up over 40 points every game last year and Arkansas’s offense not really doing anything. Alabama 49 Arkansas 14 Right? Two interceptions for TDs Right?

by Adeloach on Jun 17, 2009 4:23 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs

Pretty funny stuff...

Come on ‘Bama fans, it’s a harmless joke.

After spending seven wondrous years in the state of Alabama, never in my life have I seen fans, who claim to be loyal to one team, spend more time AUbsessing over the other more so than they do their very own.

by SanFranDude12 on Jun 23, 2009 4:20 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs