Rasputin Unveils His Ole Miss Game Prediction. What's Yours?
by Arkansas Expats on Oct 23, 2009 10:55 AM CDT
in Football
2 comments
In anticipation of tomorrow's battle against Florida, we consulted Rasputin, our staff soothsayer, to get his forecast for the game. A Russian immigrant who claims to be hundreds of years old and who sleeps every night in a chamber of pure oxygen, Rasputin has been a rabid Razorbacks football fan since the program's debut in 1894.
Needless to say, it's been a tough week for our trusty soothsayer. After ingesting a Black Sea-sized amount of high-octane vodka after the Florida loss, Rasputin spent much of the week in the attic of our headquarters, watching "Doctor Zhivago" and wallowing in a hollow-eyed depression. Slowly though, with the help of repeated listenings to the Beatles' remastered "Help" and "Revolver" CDs, he stepped back from the abyss. In fact, he arrived at this week's prediction by listening over and over to "Tomorrow Never Knows," which, with its instructions to "turn off your mind, relax and float downstream," sets the perfect mood for prognosticating. Here's Rasputin himself ...
"Oh mighty hangover, how honorable of thee to flee. One can only hope that the Hogs' hangover shall disspiate as well.
Visions are cloudy, often difficult to discern, but seem to say that the pig-emblazoned warriors will arrive focused squarely on the moment at hand, with thoughts of heartbreak in Gainesville banished from mind and spirit.
Chief warrior Nutt will be focused on task at hand, and his army shall bring much energy and passion for the task at hand.
Chief warrior Nutt will spend much time chewing his nails, as will Hog fans. In the end, though, I see those who shower affection on the Hogs celebrating and those who shower affection on the Rebs wailing ...
The mighty warriors of Arkansas 28, the mighty warriors of Mississippi 24."
Well, that's enough from Rasputin. Let's hear from you, both in the poll and in the comments thread.
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Incoming Message from the Psychic Friends Network:
Hello. Yes.
May I please confirm your credit card information before we begin?
Thank You.
The future for you, Mr. Nutt, is very cloudy. Very cloudy indeed.
Is your wife around?
Too bad. She seems to usually send clearer messages.
Ok – there are definitely momentous occurrences in store for you this weekend. Do you have any events planned for this weekend?
You don’t say? A football game? Oh no, I’m completely surprised and had no idea you were affiliated with ANY sporting pursuits. Uncanny, Huh?
Outcome for the game? Recommendations for the offense? Let me look….
Ahh, the first card I see is the Magician, sir. Apparently you should work your players into an emotional frenzy, this way they will play with passion for the opening few plays. possibly even causing a turnover or two.
Ohh, I’m sorry. You wanted to know about offense.
I’m sorry the news is not good. The card ruling your playcalling, sir is The Wheel of Fortune, indicating erratic and nonsensical decisions. The card ruling your quarterback is The Hermit, indicating one who’s talent was once exposed but has receded from the light. Lastly your scoring card is The Hanged Man whose upside down position and wresting-move-like leg position indicate that you will score four times, but they will only be Field Goals.
Oh sir. Please.
Please.
Stop Crying.
Let me turn over some cards to reveal something about your opponent. Maybe something good will be predicted?!
Ohh, let’s see: Strength, Magician, Five of Swords, and the Three of Cups.
Umm.
Are you sure you want to hear this?
Well ok.
Dominant blocking from the offensive line will provide plenty of time for Ryan Mallett to complete passes and for the running game to be established. Five Touchdowns will be scored. Additionally, a MR. Tehada will add an addition three scores for a total of 44.
I Know.
I know, Mr. Nutt.
We don;t like delivering bad news, either.
What can I say to make you feel better?
Ok.
Fine.
well, I don’t really think that just because you switch to a different psychic hot-line that you should expect any different results than those you achieved on THIS psychic Hot-Line, sir.
Well, bluntly sir, I wouldn’t mind if you switched services either. We’re a little sick of hearing your voice around here.
Thank You for your Time.
Goodbye.
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