This officially made my day: Wally Hall is on Twitter. Imagine regular doses of genuine Wally-style folksiness and wisdom in easily digestible 140 character bursts (and totally free). The mind reels...

If you're on Twitter, follow him immediately. If you're not on Twitter, this is the excuse to sign up you've been looking for.

Wally Watch: Where we read Wally Hall so you don't have to.

July 29, 2009: Guides cost a little, but they serve a purpose

Primary Theme: At long last, Wally breaks his deafening silence on the issue that is the talk of coffee shops, kitchen tables and barber shops nationwide: the possiblity that some schools may eliminate their football media guides.

Would Somebody Please Think about the Children Media and Donors? "[Eliminating the guides] would affect donors who make a certain minimum donation and receive a media guide, and it definitely would hurt the media who often find themselves looking up a fact on deadline."

This Passage Sounds Like It Was Lifted from a Fifth-Graders' Book Report: "The media guides are varied, unique and probably could be a little tighter. There is some, but not enough, recognition of academic progress and community service. There are many pictures of campus life, although that's not likely to change because it is a great recruiting tool."

Someone Has an Awful Lot of Time on His Hands (Or Was Just Really Desperate to Fill Out His Column): After bravely taking a stand in favor of media guides, Wally spends the last part of his column listing how many pictures of each SEC coach appear in his team's media guide. Oh - and he also breaks down how many SEC schools present the players' biographies before the coaches'. Gripping, gripping stuff.

Even in a Column on Media Guides, Tim Tebow Must be Praised: "Oh, and Florida had 19 well-deserved pictures of quarterback Tim Tebow."

Summary: Media guides may serve a purpose. This column, on the other hand, ...

Well, this sucks. Our compatriots in the glamorous world of Hog blogging, the RazorBloggers Network, are reporting that the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette and Northwest Arkansas Times will begin charging $59.00 per year to read their online content. Probably not coincidentally, this policy kicks in on August 5th, the day before football practice starts.

While I fully support the idea that people or companies deserve to get paid for their hard work (and there are certainly plenty of worthy reporters on the staffs of those papers), this feels like a regressive move that isn't going to help anyone in the long term. But, that's a topic for a different discussion...my current concern is the future of our Wally Watch feature.

When Stephen and I started this blog almost two years ago (!) one of our primary motivations, believe it or not, was to provide a public service to Hog fans by analyzing and deciphering Wally Hall's columns...reading Wally "so you don't have to", as the Wally Watch tagline goes. We're just selfless, giving people that way.

But now, that service is in jeopardy. As much as we enjoy breaking down Wally's fractured prose, folksy metaphors and random travelogues, it's hard to justify paying $59 for that privilege...and even if we did, we still wouldn't want to link to a site that would charge our readers to see what we're talking about.

So, where do we go from here? How do we solve this problem? And how will noted Wally Watch fan Chris Bahn handle the news?

We're definitely open to any and all ideas, so if you have thoughts (serious or otherwise), please post 'em in the comments section.

(One final thought: is it possible that Wally Hall himself orchestrated this entire paid content move just to shut down the Wally Watches? I think it is...)

Wally Watch: Where we read Wally Hall so you don’t have to.

July 5, 2009: Football prognosticators ready to fire up fans

Primary Theme: Recapping the Arkansas preview in the Phil Steele's College Football magazine (with the usual Wally flourishes).

Prepare for a Crime Wave: Wally opens his column with "In the next few weeks, there will be no shortage of information on the coming college football season. No shortage of arrests, either..." which leads us to believe that there's some sinister correlation between magazines releasing their season preview issues and criminal activity. What does Wally know that we don't? Is he in on it? Either way, lock your doors and keep your guard up.

Folksy Simile Alert: "Football magazines will be blooming like spring daffodils on Wye Mountain."

Win a Bowl Game? Now You're Just Talking Crazy: "...which should mean improvement and a bowl game, maybe even a victory there..."

Summary: Pretty much a straight-up recap of what Phil Steele had written, although it does end on an intriguingly melancholy note when he writes "Summer seems especially long this year." Hang in there Wally! You'll have more topics to write about soon enough...in the meantime, keep dreaming of those spring daffodils.

July 8, 2009: AAU national tournament worth all the work

Primary Theme: The AAU tournament going on in Little Rock is pretty much the best thing ever.

We Hear Beaver Cleaver Has a Nasty Crossover Dribble: One of Wally's favorite literary conceits is to portray anything he likes as almost impossibly wholesome. In this column we're treated to the sportsmanship of the Minnesota Heat fans, encouraging parents (who videotape the entire game, not just their kid) and coaches who are not just "knowledgeable and patient" but "probably all" are good guys.

Talk About Going Off on a Tangent: "Kids who are about as familiar with a razor as they are college geometry."

Folksy Simile Alert: "His cell phone battery, like his body's battery, is charged to its fullest each morning."

Local Name-Dropping Alert: Henry Forrest, you're today's lucky winner!

Summary: Wally's "cheerleading for a local event" columns are a staple of his writing, and this hits all the usual high points - talented & hard-working kids, national coaches stopping by to recruit, selfless volunteers, etc. We do wish he'd taken the time to recommend a Mexican restaurant or two for out-of-town visitors, though.

I know we've been posting a lot of Wally Hall content lately, and although I worry a bit about running that theme into the ground, it's the offseason and pickings are slim. Plus, when I read his column today it had an almost lyrical quality that really jumped out at me...the obvious next step was to rearrange certain lines to form a free verse poem.

So, without further ado, allow me to present a work I call "An Island in a Rocky Sea". It's a little abstract, but also deeply meaningful...if there are any English majors out there, I look forward to reading your interpretations.

"An Island in a Rocky Sea"

It is a learning process.

Football is a game for tough guys.

Some coaches agree but don't do a lot of hitting.

Petrino is not afraid to go for a home run with the long pass, either.

Left tackle is usually a guy on his own. An island in a rocky sea.

The offense is varied so the blocking schemes are too.

That once he did it was like a light came on.

Makes sense.

Wally Watch: Where we read Wally Hall so you don't have to.

March 31, 2009: TV deal gives SEC basketball a rebound shot

Primary Theme: The SEC's recent television deal with ESPN will help raise the conference's sagging basketball efforts. Also, something about the auto bailout.

Someone Please Tell Us What This Means: "Looking at the Final Four and realizing there is no team in it close to being west of the Mississippi River was another reminder of how much the SEC has slipped the past two years."

No, Seriously...What Does That Mean?: After years of parsing Wally's fractured grammar, we're finally stumped by the above quote. Surely Wally knows that there is only SEC team west of the Mississippi, right? So what's the connection? Please tell us if you know.

We Wish This Was Our Name: "This time next year, after the NBA Draft, [Hasheem Thabeet's] name also will be millionaire."

Paging Alanis Morisette: We're not sure if this is really all that ironic..."Perhaps there is a touch of irony in the fact Ford Motor Co. put up the bulk of the money to build Ford Field, and that was the American automaker that didn't take any government bailout money."

Our Analysis: One way you can judge whether Wally is in fine form or not is by looking at the first and last paragraphs (usually the same as the first and last sentences) to see if there's any connection whatsoever between them. In that regard, this column really delivers: it begins with that geographically confusing statement about teams west of the Mississippi not making the Final Four, and ends with a note about General Motors canceling its suites and pregame parties during the Final Four. Well done!

Wally Watch: Where we read Wally Hall so you don't have to.

March 8, 2009: Angst building, but Pelphrey needs more time.

Primary Theme: A schizophrenic, back & forth column in which Wally both supports and passive-aggressively undermines John Pelphrey. We're a little confused about it ourselves.

Pelphrey Rules!: "Regardless of what happens today in Nashville, Tenn., it is far too early for anyone to be talking about a coaching change at the University of Arkansas."

Pelphrey Sucks!: "...the program appears to be at its lowest point since Eddie Sutton came to Arkansas to build a basketball program." (Note: that's a lot of 'programs'.)

Pelphrey Rules!: "John Pelphrey, though, did not create the current problems. He inherited them."

Pelphrey Sucks!: "Yes, there are reasons for fans to be frustrated about this season and 13 conference losses, the most of any team in the SEC. Far too often there seems to be a player - take your pick - who has a brain freeze at a critical time in a game. It might be a silly foul, a shot taken way too soon, a breakdown on defense or just a bad shot, all of which are things that a head coach has to address."

Pelphrey Rules!: "Rest assured the Hogs are not being taught to play that way in practice."

Pelphrey Sucks!: "Everyone associated with the program will publicly deny it, but there is no doubt to the masses that there is an apparent lack of team chemistry that may include the coaching staff."

Pelphrey Rules!: "Bottom line, he needs more time to fix the problems."

Pelphrey Sucks!: "If he doesn't within a reasonable time, that's a different matter."

Bottom Line: With its veiled hints, straightforward recounts of events we all knew already and 'Wally, tell us more' teases like "there have been issues with some about the excitement created with Courtney Fortson and Rotnei Clarke becoming part of the program", this is in many ways the archetypal Wally Hall column. All it needs is a few folksy metaphors and a Mexican food reference to be complete.

As veteran Wally watchers, our take is that he really wanted to write an anti-Pelphrey column but couldn't quite bring himself to do it, so he instead went with the passive-aggressive approach detailed above. But, reading between the lines it's pretty clear that this is a backhanded slam. Knowing that Wally is a scholar of both Shakespeare and the classics above all else, we'll assume that this is a sly allusion to the form and intent of Mark Antony's famous "For Brutus is an honorable man" speech in Julius Caesar...clever!!

Wally Watch: Where we read Wally Hall so you don't have to.

February 27, 2009: 2009 Razorbacks could learn from 1994 Hogs

Primary Theme: Something is rotten in Fayetteville, and the way to fix it is by following the example of the ’94 national champs.

Yes, We Counted: In classic Wally style, there are 29 sentences in this column spread across a whopping 26 paragraphs. We’re guessing that those three Faulkneresque paragraphs that actually have two sentences each were mistakes of some sort.

We Love it When Wally Gets Passive-Aggressive #1: As the most prominent sportswriter in the state (!!!), Wally undoubtedly has plenty of inside sources. But, he generally prefers to use this info to drop vague hints rather than taking a firm stand. For example: "Any time a team goes from 23-12 to 13-13, there are going to be whispers about turmoil among the staff, between players or both…While there is no way this team could be as dysfunctional as last year's team, something isn't right."

Folksy Metaphor Alert: "Courtney Fortson is more fun to watch than night baseball"

March 4, 2009: Tournaments are another chance to impress

Primary Theme: Wally returns to one of his favorite topics - playing the good host to out-of-towners who are attending local basketball tournaments and exhorting readers to please be nice.

Ask Not What Your Tournament Can Do For You, But What You Can Do For Your Tournament: "It is a time for every Arkansan to shine and make every visitor feel that "y'all come back now" is a heartfelt invitation."

Wally Hall Writing Tip #187: Randomly dropping the names of various local figures is a great way to achieve maximum folksiness. Donald and Marie McDonald, Rob and Jill Jolly, Paul Chmura...you're today's lucky honorees!

But on Sunday, Unleash Hell: "There are going to be a lot of people wandering around North Little Rock's Main Street and the River Market wearing orange and other colors, and until Sunday they are our guests, not opponents."

We Love it When Wally Gets Passive-Aggressive #2: "This is why we have a $20 million trolley system. It might actually be full a few times."

Hot Springs Travel Tips: "From Oaklawn Park and Instant Racing to the eclectic shops on Central Avenue - not to mention the incredible art galleries and hot baths - the Spa City is a great vacation destination." (Wally makes a pretty good tourism writer, but we hope he never ever stops writing sports columns.)